Learning to love well is no joke. It’s a skill that requires abilities most of us don’t come by naturally. . . and many of us weren’t taught. It takes practice. It’s equal parts staying true to yourself AND true to the one you love. . If you’ve loved a friend, spouse, child, parent or anyone really, you know this well: no matter who it is or how long you’ve loved them, at some point your loved one will: —annoy you —get angry with you —point out things about you (incorrectly) that hurt. —point out things about you (correctly) that hurt. —do things that stir up all kinds of anger, envy, impatience, unkindness, pride (you know, all those things love’s not supposed to be!) . Love isn’t denying your feelings and pretending like you’re always just fine. It’s also not prioritizing your own feelings so highly that you lose sight of your loved one’s perspective. It’s the ultimate both-and. . Love requires the skill of emotional regulation. It may not sound glamorous, but it’s an essential component to loving over the long haul. . Emotional regulation sounds like: . —I’m aware that I’m getting angry right now. I need a time-out to understand what I’m feeling. Let’s resume when I can communicate well. —I’m feeling shame in this moment. You’re pointing out something about me that hurts. I’ll need some time with myself and with God to understand what’s mine to own and what’s not mine to take in. Let’s keep this conversation going. —Do you have the bandwidth right now to listen to me? If you don’t, I completely understand. (In other words, if you say “no”, I won’t take it personally.) —I’m overwhelmed with XYZ this week. I wanted to give you a head’s up in case I’m acting out of character or less available to you. . Love requires so dang much awareness - of yourself AND of the one you love. It also requires trust - that when you share what you’re feeling, the other will honor it. . .and vice versa.
Awakening to your own goodness is terrifying when you’ve spent so many years wondering where it was, not knowing it’s been there all along, patiently and tenderly waiting for you to rediscover it. We so easily forget that finding ourselves and getting to know the truth of who we are isn’t about seeking it somewhere in the distance, but is more about doing the deep work of slowing down, tuning inward, and creating enough safety to gently reintroduce yourself to the parts that have been tugging at you to notice them. The parts you never needed to prove. The parts you never needed to earn. The parts you never should have needed to hide or forget or lose sight of. The grief that comes with realizing just how distant your life circumstances have pulled you from your own goodness is raw and wide. It might be engulfing. It might be so big that you’re not sure embracing your goodness is worth it. It might be so all-encompassing that you question what’s on the other side. Grief is a mirror of the truth. What I’m (re)learning this year is this: Doing the work of unlearning the layers that have been piled on top of your innate goodness, beauty, and aliveness is worth the grief of forgetting it. Being in the liminal space between the version you thought you needed to be and the version you truly are is worth the uncertainty and confusion. Being held and witnessed and mirrored by people who fully see your wholeness is worth the fear of releasing and renewing. Being willing to question the narratives you’ve been carrying and feeling them slowly crumble within you is worth all of it, even when it feels messy as hell -- and oh, it will. If you are in the in-between, the confusion, the tension between what was and what is, the dance of grief and joy, or the wildness of getting to know yourself underneath the mask, you are not alone. I can’t think of anything braver than allowing ourselves to see what’s really there and, when it feels safe, to allow others to
I don’t mean this post in a DO MORE BE MORE way. I mean it in a: make your days more intentional to line up with what matters to you and the person YOU want to be. It’s up to you. You don’t have to do anything big or impressive, but I think we all owe it to ourselves to build the kind of life we yearn for. Last year, I thought about what I would be so proud to be in progress in January 2020. What could I start now that Jamie in January 2020 would be like, hell yes, you did that, thank you! How can I build a safer, happier, more thoughtful life for my future self? Those are the questions I asked in January 2019. They didn’t build resolutions. They built PLANS. And I got laser focused. January 2020 me didn’t want to know I spent hours and hours wasting time when I could have been working on a book. January 2020 me wouldn’t need my instant gratification and my bitter comparisons and my defeatist attitude. No, 2020 me would be happy if I tried, if I did my best, if I gave it a shot, if I stopped waiting to be perfect and instead showed up as me. That’s who I was excited to build. And now, I ask myself that question again: what will 2021 Jamie be excited about? What can I provide for her? How can I make her life easier and happier? How can I take care of her more? What can I build now that she can look at and go, “Damn, you did that? Okay, I’ll take it from here!” That’s how I think about the year ahead. Me and me. Build the life *I* want. ✊ Does this resonate, friends?
👉Do you think society’s schooling system is effective? Do you think it prepares people for the real-life world? 🤔🌍🤷♂️ Share your thoughts in the COMMENTS section down below!👇👇 👋Tag someone who still has a lot to learn! 🙋♂️ Follow @sigurd.vedal I think one of the main problems is that school teaches us how to be “book smart” but not “street smart”! 💯 So many people are discovering that what they learned in school didn’t help them find stable jobs or survive adult life! ❌ 👇Below are some extremely VALUABLE life skills that they didn’t teach you in school (but should have!) If you haven’t already, get out there and LEVEL-UP on these skills! 🔝 🍎Critical THINKING skills 🧠 🍎How to LEARN from FAILURE 💪 🍎EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 🍎How to find your PASSION 🔥 🍎Buying a HOUSE and CAR 🏡🚗 🍎TIME MANAGEMENT time ⏱📆 🍎COMMUNICATION skills 🗣 🍎How to deal with MENTAL HEALTH issues 🤯 🍎MARRIAGE and raising KIDS 👨👩👧👦
The work is bridging the space between self-judgement and acceptance—not between self-judgement and FIXING ourselves. ⠀ Self-judgement has been a pattern of mine most of my life. ⠀ It mostly expressed as negative-self talk about “not being further along yet.” I’m the youngest in my group of very successful friends, so I’d battle with feelings of not being good enough often. ⠀ My reaction? Judge myself and shrink. ⠀ I just wanted to “fix it” already so I could move on with myself, yanno? ⠀ Ironically: the moment I stopped trying to “fix” myself and just allow myself to be where I was, WITHOUT judgement; I was able to move forward with empowerment. ⠀ Imagine if you simply gave voice to your own self-judgement. How would it feel to say thoughts thoughts out loud? ⠀ And these judgements typically form from early childhood—maybe we had to achieve to receive love, avoid pain, or be seen and accepted. Maybe we had to quiet or shrink ourselves as to not hurt others. This is trauma. ⠀ To heal, we must re-parent ourselves during those moments of self-judgement and self criticism. ⠀ Three wonderful ways to do so: 1. Allow the feeling to be there. Judging it and wanting to rid yourself of it, ironically, keeps it there. True mastery is allowing for these feelings to be in your space without judgement of them as bad or wrong. 2. Compassionate self-forgiveness: forgive yourself for any judgements you are holding against yourself as bad or wrong. Feel this in your body, not in your mind. 3. Recognize the truth: you are INHERENTLY lovable, you were doing the best with what you had. 4. Empower yourself with action: do one small thing that you can feel good about, today. ⠀ The WORK is accepting that these parts of us are our greatest teachers, and the way out is THROUGH them. ⠀ Instead of trying to curb stomp these parts out of our lives, hugging them until they relax is a much more effective way to feel better. ⠀ Acceptance doesn’t
From the flower to the thorn. Feeling the gentleness of thy heart, the compassion, the understanding, the deep sensitivity. Then in the same vein feeling guarded, distant, rational & objective with my feelings, wanting to control my emotional state, not wanting to allow myself to feel fully & let go into my emotions,ice queen, the stoic one, reserved, the one who holds it all together regardless of how I may be feeling. The one who lets you in vs. the one who pushes you away. This is what I have been experiencing as I traverse my heartcenter. Knowing that by being vulnerable & open in how I feel with myself & others, is truly the medicine I am here to experience in this life. As a child, I was hyper connected to my emotions & extremely sensitive. However, I learned that at a young age, showing up in this way put me in a vulnerable space & I found to get what I wanted, I stuffed my emotions in. This internal struggle has been a source of pain & confusion for me. Being so connected to my feelings, so highly empathic/sensitive yet also learning to be the tough one, to hold it together for people when things become difficult. I realize, I embody both of these traits, that it’s being like two sides of the same coin. This seeming internal confusion has actually been a catalyst for my growth exponentially. I see how I choose to show up in my relationships with those in my life. That I am here to embrace my sensitivity, let my guard down, connect deeply with others without an agenda. My heightened sensitivity & intuition allows me to feel so deeply the pain of those & the environment around me. I know how someone is feeling without them saying a word, & when something isn’t said, I know what is wanted to be said. Being attune to the collective unconscious & things not spoken about, is like one’s radio station picking up static energy. Realizing my gift is to serve others,by feeling them so wholly & completely, as though I merge with them, is part of the gift I
The next time you have a spontaneous jolt of happiness, don't hold back. When you hold back, you're probably doing the same thing you do with negative feelings-- you're pushing it down. When you suppress happy feelings, and they go by unnoticed, it's a missed opportunity to uncover joy and build a sustainable bridge from your mind into your heart. Uninhibited happiness is a pathway to your awakening and an invitation for everyone who sees you happy to remember that joy lives at the base of their being too. Joy is innate to your heart, happiness is transient. Do you feel guilty because you're happy? Is that why you don't express your happiness. Why don't you share your happiness? Are you afraid someone will judge you? Everyone is mostly caught watching their own movies in their minds, trying to figure out how to create happiness in their lives, and doing their best to avoid suffering. This is the predicament of everyone with no exception. Some strategies work well and are sustainable, others are toxic. It's imperative to recognize that when you wish for the happy feelings to stay forever, you're forgetting the true nature of all phenomena, it's all transient and impermanent. Approaching happiness with craving energy, desiring for these feelings to stay forever, it's intoxicating and leads you to blindly outsource your happiness. This leads to suffering instead of replenishing your internal well of innate joy. This craving for happy feelings to stay happens because you have been deprived of feelings that resemble your true joyous nature. When happiness arises, recognize it, enjoy it, share it, and always wish that the same happiness you have in this moment may it awaken the hearts of all people everywhere with no exception. Then allow it to pass. Let the next waves to come into the shore of your mind without attachment or pushing
"Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly and most underrated agent of human change. Kindness that catches us by surprise brings out the best in our natures." - Bob Kerrey (video via @kathy_ouma // submitted by @arnelle) #riskhappy
Recently I was expressing to a friend my mounting frustration that I don’t know HOW to convince people to give a shit- I don’t know how to persuade people that they should learn about the harm (intentional and unintentional) that they do in the world. I don’t know how to show people that they should care about others’ experiences and perspectives. I don’t know how to relate to people of privilege (like myself) who would rather not engage in feminist, anti-ablist, anti-trans/homophobic, anti-racist, decolonizing practices. The only thing I can say is; Come on this journey with me! Honestly? It’s going to suck at first, you will feel terrible and uncomfortable as you unlearn and re-learn! You will feel awful and overwhelmed and impatient and fragile and then- you won’t anymore. You will be motivated to make changes in your life and the world around you. And you will keep learning, and growing, acknowledging, and repairing. You will feel charged with compassion and have no time for bullshit. You might even lose friends. But you will gain others...folx who give a shit, and are ready to actually do the work to do less harm. And it will be so damn worth it, because you will be living in alignment with values that are based on empathy and understanding, purpose and fulfillment. And it won’t feel like shit. It will feel important and exciting. You will be on the right side of history, your eyes will be finally open, and you’ll be no longer willing to be complicit in the oppression of others. If this is all new to you- watch @chelseahandler ‘s Netflix documentary on Privilege. It’s not perfect (there are many valid criticisms) but, it’s a start. Then, listen to @speakingofracism ‘s podcast with @tina_strawn_life dissecting the documentary and offering their take on it. Read White Fragility by @diangelorobin and A Mind Spread Out On The Ground by @ellialic AND GET YOUR BUTT TO #graceclubyvr ...be in a room where we gather to listen to
Your life can be good, but not because life is always fair, not because everything will turn out the way that you expected, not because you will get every single thing you want.⠀ ⠀ Your life can be good because you have the power to make it good. Because goodness is a practice, a conscious, daily choice. It's not something we stumble upon, it's something we decide upon. It's something we create.
“Every year around this time, I see a similar post on social media about how the previous year was the caterpillar stage, the present year is the cocoon stage, and the following year is going to be the butterfly stage. If you post this every year, you’re implying that you never make progress. If you haven’t already begun, the work for next year starts now. Each year we hope that the following year is going to be much better, but this isn’t enough. You are a co-creator of your life. You have the power to influence how next year is going to look. If you start today, imagine how different your life could look next year. Get the energy and momentum building. You have to change something, to make something change. I mean, you can’t roll a dice once and expect a different number to show up; you have to roll it at least once more. Many of us expect our lives to change when we’re doing the same things daily; unsurprisingly, we continue to live the same reality. The same recipes provide the same (or similar) dishes. Change can be pretty uncomfortable. For example, although your body image might be discomforting, you might find the idea of shifting your mindset, going to the gym and improving your nutrition even more painful. Generally speaking, sleeping in, overindulging, watching your favourite shows and partying with friends is more comfortable than working out, reading a book, meditating, learning a new skill, etc. That’s why we often resist the changes WE KNOW we need to make. Jim Rohn once said, ‘You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight.’ For example, if we look at a ship powering through the ocean, any slight change in direction will alter where the ship arrives – this could be in an entirely different country! Even if it steers out of course by a few degrees, the destination will be completely different. You probably wouldn’t even notice the change in direction
“Don’t go backwards. You have declared you want better for yourself. Now is the time to show your consistency and determination that you truly mean what you say. Change starts with every little action we make. Every second is a choice you have that opens you up to a greater possibilities or puts you back where you were. It can seem comfortable out of habit to want to do what you use to do, but not now. Not anymore. This is a new year for you. Nothing should be the same. It’s time to do something completely different. It’s time to be fearless. You’re going somewhere special. You’re going to manifest your wildest dreams. You’re going to shine so bright. Your greatness will be seen. Going into your mental world and start removing, replacing, and releasing anything that limits you. Get your mental world in order first. Once you start there, you’ll see the changes externally. Be consistent and keep making choices that help you tap into your highest potential. You got this!” - @idillionaire #riskhappy
Real growth is when you look the same as you always have, but now you see that person as perfect, and exactly who they are meant to be. ⠀ ⠀ Real growth is when you have what you've always had, but now it is enough. Real growth is when you stop trying to control situations, and start managing your reactions to them. Real growth is when really nothing around you has changed, and yet everything within you has. ⠀ ⠀ It's not about waiting until the moment that you have the best of everything, it's about becoming the kind of person who can see the best in anything.
There are MANY reasons why we experience emotions. From our physiology, to our thoughts, to our awareness of the energy around us. And so frequently we tell ourselves a story about WHY we feel a certain way. There are two core issues with this. 1. The bulk of our automatic thoughts come from previous programming. And the thoughts that led to us feeling a certain way, will not help us out of it. And 2. Once our body feels a certain way, thoughts tend to match the flavor of that state. So once I feel negative about one thing in my life, everything appears to be wrong as well. Besides moving your body to shift energy, another helpful tool is to ask questions. What am I aware of right now? What is the story I am telling myself? What am I not seeing right now? Is it possible I’m aware of someone else’s energy and bought it as my own? You may not always find out what originated the feeling so be compassionate with yourself. And seek ways to help yourself ride the wave. ✨
I can't count the number of times I've opened up to someone about my pain, only to hear something along the lines of, "We can choose to be depressed or we can choose to be happy"... or... “Depression is a mindset. You just have to choose to focus on the positives". And while I know people have good intentions, the underlying message is problematic, because it communicates: this is your fault; you’re a failure because you can’t get it together; there’s something wrong with you for feeling what uou feel. And that’s harmful. . I'm ALL for reframing negative thoughts and making gratitude lists. And I think it's so important to make shifts in our behavior and thinking that create room for more joy. But I also think it's REALLY toxic to send the message that happiness should be the constant default. Because it's just not realistic. No one is happy ALL the time. And when you struggle with a chronic mental or physical illness or you're living under circumstances that are rightfully unjust or painful, experiencing joy isn't as simple as "making a choice". . So here are some reminders: —> It’s okay if you struggle to feel happy. You don’t owe anyone a performance. . —> You’re practicing wholeness and authenticity and you’re honoring your human experience, and that takes strength. . —> Feelings aren’t good or bad. They’re just information. . —> Feelings may not always be logical, but they’re always valid. . —> Your feelings and reactions are allowed to look different than other people’s. . —> Painful feelings are temporary. They pass. Always. . —> Feelings can be uncomfortable but they aren’t deadly. They can’t physically hurt you. . —> You deserve space to feel the hard stuff. It’s important and it matters. It doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you real, and human. . Have you had someone invalidate your experience by telling you happiness is a choice? What are your thoughts? 💌 #daniellkoepke